The Newcastle upon tyne Speed Donk Experience
Speed Donk Bangers Volume. 2
A donktastic review:
'In preparation for this review, I scanned my memory for a bleaker time when I might have seen 'The Newcastle Upon Tyne Speed Donk Experience' live. Vague recollections of Cuntfields 2016 blurred my vision (or I might have necked a few glasses of wine). Regardless, I had braced myself.'
1. Starts with a healthy bassline, to be fair. And then a punk refrain with more riffs than expected... ooh! And then a classic 3-chord bridge. It's like the Sex Pistols if they were born in Newcastle. In 1990. Not awful.
2. Tuneful... Reminiscent of mid-nineties Skunk Anansie... kind of. Great fuzzy guitars on this one. Sounds like the Prodigy stuck in a traffic jam under the QE2 bridge.
3. You could be forgiven for thinking this was early Offspring (at least until the vocals kick in). Sampled from a subway tramp after too much Special Brew. Particularly enjoyed the Pat Butcher reference, however.
4. Ahhh... I see what's happening now. These are COVERS. Well, covers with a big pinch of salt. Salt laced with ketamine. The riff to this particular NIN song is always going to be a banger, so I'll allow it.
5. Another Eastenders reference! Big up Ian Beale. This is fantastic in its ridiculousness. I could even bop to this.
6. Distorted vocals morph into a Teletubbies-esque plod along.
7. I've always hated the original of this song; it reminds me of drunk Essex slags at a caravan park disco, and no amount of donk, or even a key-change, can save it. Please stop.
8. Remember the time when PJ got paintballed in the eye and went blind? Yeah. Sounds a lot like this.
9. Would be an alright rendition had it not been for the bunch of guys playing on upturned saucepans in the background. But I guess that's the idea.
10. Promising start, and not a complete brutalisation of SOAD.
11. Saved (once again) by the original. Growing tired now.
12. Last song! C'monnn. I wish I was in a coma. Please for the love of God kick in so I can be done with this already and get back to listening to the originals. Halfway through this 'track' and I want to stab needles into my eyes. Not sure if I can make it through till the end without my ears bleeding. Do these guys have day jobs? My entire evening is ruined. Dear God. Nope, that's it. Cut off at 1:15.
In summary: props to you if you can make it through even half of this album.
Reviewed by Bee Pritchard
01 Speak English or Donk
02 Donk for the Christians
03 Banging Donk Uber Alles
05 Playing Banging Donk
06 Lets Fucking Donk
08 Byker Donk
09 Saint Donker
10 Bounce Banging Banging Banging
11 Here comes the Donk
12 Fear of the Donk